Jihad: Not Just For Men Anymore, Ladies

Al-Quaeda’s obviously been studying Vogue.

The international terrorist organization is getting into the lady mag business with Al-Shamikha, roughly transated to “the Majestic Woman.” {the Independent} A magazine? No one launches magazines anymore, it’s all about the iPad content apps. What are these people living in a cave or som…oh, wait.

The glossy, which has yet to provide an editorial calendar or rate card, is comprised of skincare tips and advice on finding the perfect suicide bomber. Because no man rushing off to martyrdom and nubile virgins is going to want to spend his earthly time with a woman with bad skin, duh. Next on the agenda, family car shopping: how to get the most bang for your buck.

The editors say:

“Because women constitute half of the population – and one might even say that they are the population since they give birth to the next generation – the enemies of Islam are bent on preventing the Muslim woman from knowing the truth about her religion and her role, since they know all too well what would happen if women entered the field of jihad… The nation of Islam needs women who know the truth about their religion and about the battle and its dimensions and know what is expected of them.”

Aah, so they know what is expected of them. It couldn’t just be that they’re running out of guys for some weird reason, right? Call them crazy, call them violent, but don’t call Al-Quaeda misogynistic.

Don’t hold your breath on a swimsuit issue, and we’re guessing you’re on your own for tips on how to blow your future martyr’s mind in bed (not to be confused with the handy pull-out guide on how to blow stuff up, which probably will be there) but look for enlightened tips as “always wear a niqab for protection from the sun” and always stay indoors when possible. Don’t wear a niqab because you want to, think of your skin, ladies! Extremist, militant Islam isn’t just a religion, it’s a total beauty regimen.

We’ll stick with sunscreen.

Al-Shamikha cover image via the Daily Mail

Follow Signature9:PinterestGoogle+InstagramBloglovin