The 5 Types of Modern Marriage Are All Somewhat Depressing

According to Pamela Haag, author of the book Marriage Confidential, marriage in the 21st century falls into one of five categories. {Time} Sadly for you married folks, they all kind of stink.

So what are these grudging forms of coupledom that modern marriages are relegated to?

Ambivalent Marriages

Described as “chronically ambivalent,” semi-happy marriages are more akin to business partnerships or friendships without “important elements.” Presumably things like intimacy or romance, because those are the things that usually keep business partners or besties from getting married.

Parenting Marriages

If you have children with a spouse, it’s understandable that you’d want that person to be a great mom or dad. Parenting marriages become totally defined by those roles though. See Jon and Kate Gosselin for examples of why that doesn’t always work out.

Overworked Wife/Underemployed Dreamer Marriages

Beyonce may sing about how women are “smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear the children, then get back to business,” but it turns out that doesn’t make for a happy marriage when the other person is too busy chasing dreams to make a significant contribution in any of those areas. Marriages with stay-at-home dads who play a leading role in raising children and maintaining a household aren’t included in this group.

Can we use the Gosselins as an example again?

“Yes, Dear” Marriages

Time calls this the Ed McMahon syndrome, where one spouse is so eager to maintain the predictability of a semi-happy marriage that they agree with anything their spouse says just to keep things on an even keel.

Numerous examples come to mind here, but we’ll be diplomatic and let you come up with your own examples.

“It’s Cheaper to Keep Her” Marriages

Some divorced couples actually fall into this category – sharing a house for the sake of children or cost, and some married couples who’d like to divorce but can’t afford it fall into this group. Thus making for a really awkward roommate situation. Planning a romantic date? “Hang on, my wife has the bedroom for tonight, can we reschedule tomorrow for when she’s on the couch?” See, really awkward. People in these marriages are often dating or sleeping with other people while still living together or publicly appearing as married

Though they’re onto the acrimonious child custody portion of their divorce, see Camille and Kelsey Grammer circa 2010.

Does this book forget a sixth type of marriage?

While we’re a little happy that someone is finally acknowledging that marriage isn’t a universal happy, glorious cure to singledom, we’re still romantic enough to believe that there’s a six type of marriage: the “these people are really in love with each other” marriage. See: a certain Prince and Duchess (who, granted, are still new at the marriage thing) and President and First Lady (who’ve had a bit more experience) who can’t keep their eyes off each other, and lots of less famous but just as committed couples. Are things always wedded bliss? Probably not, but sometimes people get married and decide to work on things because they love the other person (not for the kids, because they’re afraid of being alone, and not because they can save some money). And once in a while, we hear that can work out well.